


Wearing Love as Plain as Day

by staygaytabulous



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Brendon is Brenda!!!, Gender or Sex Swap, Genderswap, M/M, Sexswap, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-30 13:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6425626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/staygaytabulous/pseuds/staygaytabulous





	Wearing Love as Plain as Day

Ryan's eyes are full of concentration, foundation brush in hand as he sweeps tan liquid across the black mishshapen mark upon my forehead. He dabs more makeup onto the fluffy brush before bringing it back up above my right eyebrow, "You fall in love way too easily, Urie."

I swallow, "I know, it's stupid. Probably just some fan in the crowd. Someone-" I look at the swirls of eyeliner around his eyes, "Someone I'll never have."

His steady hand falters, then he tsks, "Don't say that."

A knock comes from the dressing room door and Spencer comes in. He gives me a look through the mirror I'm sitting in front of, "You're such a girl, Brenda. Who was it this time?"

I look down and kick my feet against my chair. The lights surrounding the table mirror make me blink water out of my eyes. At least, that's what I tell myself is making me tear up.

Ryan mumbles out, "Spence, don't be rude, she is a girl." Then speaks up, "Just a fan."

Spencer at least has the decency to look sorry.

 

 

Waking up, I feel normal. Two legs, two arms, ten fingers and toes. My neck hurts a little more than usual, maybe, but what do you expect when sleeping in a cramped bus.

I look up at the photos taped to the ceiling. Me and Spencer walking down the street, a Polaroid of Jon taking a photo of me taking a photo of him, Ryan and Spencer crying because they were laughing so hard. One of Ryan while he was doing his stage makeup. That last one I printed off of the Internet. Just a flimsy piece of paper that's curling around the edges.

I smile at the memories before rolling over and jumping out of my curtains. I bound into the bus' living area, seeing Jon sitting on the couch in his boxers, cereal bowl in his lap as he channel surfs.

He looks over and smiles. I smile back and head to the mini kitchenette, "Any Poptarts left?"

"Nope," he says around a spoonful of Lucky Charms.

I open the cabinet where we keep them, anyways, but it's as he said. I don't think we've had any Poptarts for a couple of states, though. It's always the first thing we buy and the first thing we run out of.

I shut the cabinet and instead go to another to grab a bowl, then I pick up the Lucky Charms and hold my bowl up off of the counter as I poor them. Jon watches, a scowl on his face.

"I don't know how you can do that. I always end up spilling more cereal than I would if the bus hit a pothole."

I grin and trade in the cereal for milk, repeating the process like a pro, "It's because I'm Mormon, dude. We are born with magic."

He snorts, "Magic? Sure, but you're not even practicing anymore."

I put the milk away and find a spoon. Walking over to the couch, I plop down next to Jon.

"Caught me there," I take a bite of cereal. "Say, where's Spencer? Normally he snores."

Jon laughs lightly, "Ryan was bitching about eyeliner to me earlier, woke up Spencer. Spencer said he'd buy him, and I quote, 'all the eyeliner in the world if you'd just shut the fuck up and let me sleep.'"

I snort around my spoon, "Sounds like him," I mumble out, "Bet it didn't take Ryan too long to say yes to that."

Jon makes an agreeing noise, then makes another sound, much louder, poking at my temple with the handle of his spoon "Hey, congrats! I didn't even know that was possible."

 

 

Ryan has one arm across his chest with his elbow resting on it, thumb on his cheek and fingers under his chin as if they are holding his head up. He purses his lip, "I can't believe I forgot to buy more concealer."

Spencer comes up with a piece of fabric in his hand, "You could put a bandana around it? We could match - though," he lifts it up to his head and tries to compare it to the other that's wrapped around his forehead, "mine is more brown and yellow than this one."

My hand invalentarily twitches by my side, "I really don't think bandanas are my thing. You only wear them to keep your hair out of your face while drumming, but the fans love it when my hair falls down. They think it's 'sexy'. Whatever, they obviously don't realize that I've worn this bra for, like, the last week." 

Ryan's nose scrunches up, "We'll be back in Las Vegas soon. I'm sure Spence's mom will very willingly wash our clothes."

Jon rests his arm on his head, "You don't get to be disgusted, Ry, we've all seen the stains you cover up with vests and scarves."

He turns his head and frantically pats his hair back into place, "Shut up."

 

 

I feel the blood rush in my veins, gripping my phone harder, "What?"

Spencer's voice is wavering and he's sniffing every few seconds, "A car - Ryan was right in front of me and-and this car-" There's static noise and then the line goes dead.

"Put on pants." I say rushed, scared, gripping Jon's forearm.

Jon swears and gets up to throw his bowl into the sink, "You put on pants! Tell me what's wrong!"

"Ryan got hit by a car now put on some fucking pants!" I yell, putting my bowl with his before running into the back lounge to look for shoes.

He mumbles curses and Ryan's name under his breath. I feel something warm and wet slide down my cheeks.

"Oh god, he's gonna die, isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck..."

Jon comes into the lounge, jumping on his feet to pull his jeans up over his hips, "Stop thinking like that." He says, picking up one of my shoes and handing it to me.

I hold it to my chest and hickup.

Jon's face contorts into realization.

I look away, wiping my cheeks.

"Hey, that'll take too long, you can borrow a pair of my flip flops, okay, Brenda?" I take a deep breath in, out, in again and nod. Jon gently prys the shoe from my hands and goes to his bunk, throwing clothes out of the way. He returns a minute later with an old pair of brown flip flops, beads sewn onto the material of the straps. He's wearing pink plastic ones.

I slip them on and we leave in silence. Jon tries to comfort me, his arm warm and heavy around my sholders.

 

 

Spencer looks outraged, "You got a tattoo?"

Jon looks over and squint at it, "Sweet, man, let's celebrate!" He waves a blunt in the air.

"Two, actually." Ryan face is blank, "And no, Jon."

"A tattoo? Really, Ryan?" His eyes are bugging at the ink curling around his wrists, "That's going to be on you for the rest of your life!" Spencer's face and shoulders are getting more and more twitchy as he throws his hands around, trying to encentuate how stupid he thinks Ryan is.

I look at it, mesmerized. I've thought about getting something done, but everything I come up with hasn't been _right_. "Well, I like it. And obviously he does, too, or he wouldn't have gotten it, Spence." I point out, poking at it. Ryan swats my hand away and makes a face.

Spencer looks around at all three of us before huffing and turning around to walk back to his bunk. 

Ryan blinks as he leaves, then glances at me, "Okay, I'm ready to smoke now, Jon."

Jon leans his head against the window in the kitchen, "The trees always look so cool. Come enjoy the trees with me, Ry."

I say, "He's been nursing joints for the past few hours." at Ryan's confused face. He glances at me again, rubbing at one of his tattoos. I ask him if he's alright with my eyebrows, up in a questioning matter. Ryan's hands drop to his sides and he let's his expression go blank again. I shrug it off and roll over on the couch, breathing in the second hand smoke.

 

 

I burst into the waiting room. Spencer's in the corner with our body guard, Zack. Zack has his arms crossed. He's quiet and steady and I go over to him, resting my head on his arm. He tugs me in for a hug, muttering out an "It'll be okay, kid." before letting go and standing back up straight, as if we're at just another venue and he needs to watch out for crazy fans.

Spencer whimpers and I look over to see him crying into Jon's shirt. Shit. Spencer's the reasonable one, he's the one who keeps  _us_ together.

Gulping, I walk to him. I sit next to Spencer in one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs, petting his hair and gently moving my fingers around his neck in a massage-fashion like I used to do for my siblings back at home.

"He's gonna be okay, Spence," I say soothingly, "He's a fighter."

Spencer sniffs and slowly turns to look at me, then doubletakes, "Bren-"

I open my mouth to give some excuse, but my tongue feels thick and dry. I rub at the mark on my temple, at least, what's left of it, looking at Spencer's nose instead of his eyes. He knows, Jon knows. It's embarrassing.

"You both are such idiots." He whispers to me, then grips my shoulders, bringing me in for a bone crushing hug. My nose gets pushed into his collarbone at an awkward and uncomfortable angle, but he's crying again, so I just look up at Jon will big puppy dog eyes, not begging for anything in perticular. He tries to sniff inconspicuously, but I can see how shiny his eyes are. I reach out and grip at his hand while petting at Spencer's back.

 

 

"Why have you been wearing shirts when we swim?" I ask Ryan, leaning onto the edge of the pool, "You always make sure you're alone when you change, too. I've seen you shirtless before, you know." I poke his knees with a dripping finger, nibbling on my bottom lip, "Is it because I'm a girl? Don't feel comfortable with me anymore, Ry?"

Ryan looks caught in a flashlight, "If I had a problem with your gender then I wouldn't have let your join this band." 

I flick his knee, "So, what's up then? You've been acting weird for almost two months now."

"I have not," he retorts.

I pinch his thigh, "Yes you have, don't lie to me, Ryan." I bring both my arms around me to hug myself, "You've been dodgy. Was it something I said?" I ask quietly.

He sighs, picking at the beaded bracelets on his wrist, "Its..." he starts, "It's not you, it's just. Me." He shrugs half-heartedly. He looks more uncomfortable now then he did before, so I gently pat his hand and swim away.

 

 

The nurse is quiet and shy when she comes by to check on Ryan, but he's still out from when they had to get him in for emergency surgery. I tell her this much.

"Actually," she twiddles with the stethoscope around her neck, "I was wondering if there was anyone else who was coming by, like family, or, or if-"

I look at Spencer, "I thought you told the doctors already?" I look back at her, "His parents are gone, dead, didn't you look at his papers?"

She coughs, "Yes, sorry, I meant if he had a soulmate?" Her eyes keep wandering between my forehead and my eyes.

I laugh shortly, "Ryan's not in love."

I feel Spencer's hand on my shoulder, nails biting into my skin through my t-shirt like a kitten's teeth.

She looks over at Ryan, flustered, "Oh,  _oh_ , well, it's just that when we changed him into his gown, it- it showed that he... there were a couple of..." the nurse trails off. "I'm sorry." Her voice is soft and small.

I'm just as confused as she looks, "Ryan doesn't fall in love. He loves, sure. He loves his friends, he loves music. He loves his music the most."

"Brenda." Spencer warns. Why, I don't know. For what, I don't either.

I shoot him a look, "I just want to know if he's going to be alright, I don't want to hear any of this bull right now." Now I'm angry. I'm angry with the nurse. I'm angry with Spencer. I'm angry with the stupid driver who decided it was a swell idea to call up her friend. I'm even angry with Ryan for getting hit.

"Time to talk, let's go." Spencer mutters into my ear. He puts a hand on my back and tries to push me towards the doorway. I push back, putting weight on my heels. "Brenda." He hisses.

The nurse tries to help, sensing the tension, but Jon pulls her aside and sits on the couch with her, making small talk about being a nurse and what will happen next, because Jon is the saint of All Things That Make Brenda Tick.

"I'm not leaving Ryan." I spit out.

Spencer kicks the back of my knee and I tumble forwards. He helps me stay standing, muttering out, "Great, well Ryan's not going anywhere anytime soon, and I don't think he'll mind if we leave the room for a minute."

 

 

"I think Jon's in love."

Ryan stops playing, voice faltering mid-song.

"Spencer has Linda. Jon has Cassie. I think Jon's mark is for her." I turn towards him, "It's on the bottom of his foot. I don't know if he even realizes it's there."

The corner of Ryan's mouth tilts up, he looks down at his guitar and softly strums, "The bottom of his foot?"

"Yes," I say, "Pay attention, Ryan."

"His foot? How do you know it's on his foot?" Ryan's visibly shaking, a smile bursting out on his face. 

I scowl, "Jon kept shoving his feet in my face when I was laying on the couch."

Ryan's trying to keep a cool smirk on, but laughter bubbles in his throat, "Uhuh, okay."

"Are you giving me sass, Ross?" I say, fake outrage clear in my voice.

He grins, "Maybe a little."

I repeat what he says, mockingly. He does the same back. And then we're both laughing like giddy teenagers.

 

 

After Spencer sends Zack inside, I sit in the seat directly outside of Ryan's room, crossing my arms and tapping my foot to an unnamed beat. It's fast and loud and seething with power. Spencer stands in front of me, watching, waiting.

"What the hell do you want?" I snap.

"Ryan didn't just get tattoos on a whim."

My foot slows down to a stop, "Okay? I didn't think he did. Ryan isn't the kind of person to just randomly wake up and decide one day that he wants to get a tattoo."

Spencer sighs and moves the chair to my right to my front. Then he sits in it, bringing a leg up to rest his calf on his knee, "I meant," he says, leaning back, "He didn't just get them because he wanted to."

"So?"

"He got them because he fell in love."

My blood runs cold, "The nurse said more than one. He was in love a couple of times?"

Spencer nods, expression grim, "He only told me about one, the day after he got the tattoos I managed to get him to talk. He said he'd been talking to a girl online. She already had her soulmate. He didn't mean to fall in love, so he slowly stopped talking with her, and soon after, got those tattoos to cover up the mark."

My stomach drops, "Why didn't he tell us? We're not gonna make fun of him. 'Specially me, I mean, there's been, what? Five? Six marks in the last two years? Did I ever tell you I got one when I was seven?" I ramble on. I tend to do that when I'm nervous, "The one that's on my knee?" I ask, looking into Spencer's blue eyes, he nods, "My mom thought it was a classmate, but I don't know, I really loved our neighbor's dog. Little Yorkshire Terrier named Ria. The older couple who lived there let me come over everyday after school to take it for a walk up and down the street. I've heard of people getting platonic marks for their friends and pets before. Pretty cool, huh?" I lean my head back and sigh at the ceiling, "Do you think, maybe, one of them could be for me? One of his marks?"

"I think Ryan loves you, but if he doesn't have a mark for you, then I think it's just 'cause Ryan is trying to deny himself love." He says, moving my knee with his, "Are you okay?" He asks.

I don't respond back. What am I supposed to say? That I'm happy for Ryan and his useless mark? That I'm happy Ryan's been keeping secrets? I guess that's kind of hypocritical of me, though, because I've been keeping my mark a secret, sort of, too.

 

 

" _Come on and scream if you love me and make it bleed if you want me. Ooh, here comes heartbraker taking your hear-_ ooph, sorry!" I choke on the lyrics and call over my shoulder to the person whom I just about ran into. I hold steady the smoothies in my hands as I put on a smile.

I walk by a table and pipe in, "I'll be with you in just a moment!" Before swiftly moving out of the way of Ryan coming by with his hands full. He puts on a small smile with just a hint of teeth for his customers and that makes me smile more. It's not everyday, after all, that the legendary Ryan Ross smile shows itself in public. We tap our elbows together like we do every time we run past each other. It's like a friendly handshake, but only for all the workers here at the Smoothie Hut. I bounce over to my table and set their drinks out in front of them, "One vanilla bean and one raspberry with extra foam and berry." I chirp.

A little boy bangs his feet against the booth and tugs at the woman next to him. She nods over to me and gives the boy a look, "Oh, sorry, mama- Thank you!" The little boy takes a few dollars from his mother and hands it to me, then the mother brings out a five and gives it to me as well, "I used to love that song." She explains, sending me a friendly smile.

I say, "Enjoy your smoothies!" as cheerful as I can. I turn around and jog over to the counter, singing loud and clear for everyone in the shop. My tips are safe in my pocket, just need a little more for rent this month...

The bell over the door rings and I look over to see a familiar face walk in followed by Spencer and Jon (who is still in his Starbucks uniform). They all give me a smile and my regular sits at a two seater tabletop closest to the cash register, "Want your regular, Mister Iero?"

He grins, the wrinkles around his eyes and mouth show his age as he stretches out, "Maybe with a side of Smashing Pumpkins?"

Someone had a good day at work, I note. Good days mean good tips, maybe a little extra if the customer likes my singing. "Coming right up." I start putting things in the blender, my voice slowly getting louder as I start to sing the first song by them that comes to mind. Spencer and Jon sit at a table in the back, arguing loudly about something.

Mister Iero cracks his knuckles loudly and puts his hands behind his head, "Your voice is beautiful as ever, Brenda." I smile at his compliment and keep singing while he goes on about how his grandson and wife are doing.

 

When Ryan wakes up, we're all relieved. His eyes open and then shut again, trying to moan in pain, but his voice cracks and sounds as if he lost it all together. Spencer's the first one to run up, he checks his forehead, then presses a hand to his heart and lungs to feel his chest beating and to feel him breathing and  _thank god he's_ _alive_. Then he runs out into the hallway, screaming for a nurse. Two nurses bolt in and hurry to Ryan, only to find him perfectly fine, if not in a lot of pain, maybe, and also kinda thirsty.

"Wa-r-" is all he gets out before he closes his mouth again and blinks his eyes open, pain dashing across his pupils.

I get up and grab one of the water bottles Zack brought for us and walk over to Ryan. I lift his head and bring the bottle to his lips. He takes long sips as if the water is the only thing keeping him alive, here in this hospital bed. My hand is on the back of his head; his hair is matted down from not moving.

When he's done, I gently lay him back down on his pillow. He shifts, making the blankets fall from his shoulders, and his hospital gone slips down a little. I feel my eyes go wide and Jon, who's now next to me, say something, but I don't know what. I'm too transfixed on him. He's skin and bones already, and now he looks like a corpse, but that's not what gets my attention. Right under his collarbone is a mark. It's dark and small and it looks like a misshapen heart.  _Just like mine_.

My fingers move from his shoulder, gently tracing around the mark.

Ryan mumbles and tries to talk.

I shush him and say quietly, "You're an asshole. A fucking asshole."

He huffs and looks into my eyes. They're so clear now, like he's letting me in.

Spencer and Jon have left. It's just me and Ryan now.

I lick my lips, but I don't kiss him. He's in a hospital, in a hospital bed, all bandaged and beat up, but he's off of Death's list, at least. I think we have time to try everything out from the beginning.


End file.
